Mommies in Spanglish

Finally last week  as I am walking up the stairs with John Lucas I got really out of breath. I felt my heart palpitating. I had to stop half way up because I felt like I couldn't breath. That was when I knew something was not right. I am 30 years old. I should be able to walk up the stairs with my chunkers in arms.  The following day John took me to Urgent Care. I thought I would probably need vitamins or something minimal. When they took my blood pressure it was sky high. After reviewing my symptoms with the Dr. she urged me to go to the hospital because she could not run the proper tests. I got scared, but still didn't realize the severity. When we go there they ordered several tests and admitted me because I was extremely anemic. I was dehydrated and had to be put on IV fluids. I was in the hospital for 5 days, it was terrible. John and I spent new years eve watching the ball drop from  my hospital bed. I hated being away from my babies. The worst part of all was that I had to wean JL from nursing because of all of the steroids I was put on. The babies would come visit but it was hard to comfort JL when he wanted to nurse and refused the bottle. I am still trying to get over ending breastfeeding, we were not ready to end that relationship and I morn for that closeness we shared. However, I am thankful he got almost 8 months of boobie milk goodness. I am also thankful for my family who jumped in and helped with the kids. I don't now what I would do without them. 

I was diagnosed with UC (ulcerative colitis), it is an auto immune disease that attacks the good bacteria in your colon. It causes inflammation, ulcers, bleeding, anemia, exhaustion and weight loss. While I was in the hospital getting medication to treat my condition and rehydrating, I started to feel what normal is supposed to feel like. I can't believe I went so long thinking that the exhaustion I was feeling was normal! Now that I am home and on medication I am starting to feel better and have so much more energy. I can keep up. I can do it. I am a good mom. I no longer feel like a failure.

I am thankful that we got to the hospital at a good time before the condition caused irreversible harm.  I am also thankful to be on the road to recovery. There are a lot of changes I have to make to maintain a healthy lifestyle and I am excited and ready to take it all on. I am going to make 2017 a great year of change and progress. I will be sharing my intentions for 2017 in a post to follow. 

I've paused this week to think about my breastfeeding journey. It has been soo different with both of my babes. I had a really difficult time nursing Juliet. It was so painful. My nipples bled, cracked and never seemed to heal. Getting a good latch was nearly impossible.  I would sit there for hours trying to get a good latch, cringing as I tried different positions. A lot of the time we would both end up crying and frustrated. When we finally got the latching down I had trouble keeping up my supply. Juliet was not gaining weight. I saw two different lactation consultants, tried all the tricks I could find on the Internet to help increase my milk supply. None of it worked. I had to supplement with formula after four long heartbreaking months. At the time I was so devastated I had to resort to formula. She gobbled it up instantly, it was obvious I wasn't filling her up. I felt like my body failed me. I couldn't nourish my baby on my own. Eventually Because of the supplementing it got harder and harder to keep up my supply. When our nursing relationship ended I wondered if I gave up to soon. Could it have worked out if I had tried a little longer. Looking back, I feel silly. There is nothing wrong with having to supplement. What matters most is that I was still able to nourish my baby, even if it was with formula.

I've been on the fence about publishing this post because there really is no easy way to say this but motherhood has been kicking my butt lately. I've gotten to a place of guilt and sadness and am still trying to figure out how to get over it. 

John Lucas is one month old. The days have come and gone so fast that it almost seems like a blur. I thought I was prepared and ready to tackle this new challenge but I was wrong. My expectations were way too high.  I thought I would be super mom, able to do it all while still being put together... Nope... didn't happen.... I'm more like a zombie, trying to survive each day. John Lucas and Juliet bring so much joy and happiness to my life but with that also comes a lot of stress and self doubt. Because of this I decided to put together a list of reminders that I can refer too when I'm being hard on myself.

1. Some days you won't get to shower or get out of your PJs. Your lucky if you even get to brush your teeth. I bought myself a few nice pairs of pjs to help me feel a little better and try to at least brush my hair everyday.

2. The house will be messy but who cares. With a toddler's curiousity to get into everything and a newborn constantly wanting to nurse. It's impossible to keep up with everything. I've learned to focus on one thing at a time to try and not get overwhelmed by all of the chores. I got down on myself at first for not being able to keep up but I'm getting better at ignoring the piles of laundry or dirty dishes and focusing at one task at a time. The most important thing is to be in the moment with my babies and enjoy them being little.

3. You will wish you could clone yourself. Both babies will demand your attention at the same time. The best thing to do in this scenario is tend to the child that is most in need. It's impossible to keep everyone happy all the time. It was difficult for me at first because I felt torn. I wanted to comfort both of them and I couldn't. It made me feel like I was being a bad mom to one of them... I felt better once I started thinking of this from a who needs me first perspective.

4. Learn to ask for help. I am blessed with an amazing family who offers a lot of support, but even with people offering the help it was hard for me to accept it. I still at times feel like a bad mom if I can't get it done myself. I am learning to accept help and ask for it when I need it. It really does take a village to raise a child.

My husband and I are still adjusting to life with two babies. Currently Juliet is recovering from strep throat which has made these last few weeks a bit more challenging. Sharing her mom while sick has been rough on her and we are dealing with a bit of sleep regression. Everyday it gets a little bit easier and I feel like we are starting to find our groove. I am enjoying watching Juliet grow more and more curious of her little brother.

Here's to learning from our mistakes and experiencing motherhood at its realest!

Do you have any advice that can help this momma survive? 

XOXO,

Iris

On Sunday May 22 I woke up feeling a little off, for a few weeks I had been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions but that morning they felt a little more intense. John and I already had plans to go buy a new family car so I didn't tell him that I wasn't feeling like my normal self. My sisters came over to baby sit Juliet around noon and John and I left to go car shopping. As we walked the car lots in search of a car my contractions started getting more uncomfortable. I finally told John my contractions were getting more intense. He immediately wanted to leave but we had already found our car and were going through negotiations and I didn't want to have to start all over. So we decided to stay. I could tell I was making the car salesman nervous, he kept offering me water and food. It was actually kinda funny to watch. Once we finalized the purchase we were home by 7:30pm. 

That night I could not sleep. The contractions continued to get stronger and closer together. I woke John up around 12:30 am and told him it was time to go to the hospital. I called my sisters and they came over to watch Juliet. I took a shower and took my time to make sure we weren't forgetting anything. We were admitted to the hospital around 1:30 am.

Lo and behold, I was 4 cm dilated. Seems like as soon as we arrived at the hospital my contractions stopped. They monitored me for about an hour and contractions were not consistent. John and I walked the halls for an hour and a half to help speed things up. When the doctors checked my cervix at 5:00 am, I was still only 4cm dilated. The doctor decided to administer pitocin to get the contractions started around 8:30 am. She said she had two other patients in labor and there was a possibility that she would not be able to deliver the baby if she was in the middle of another deliver. I freaked out a bit and told her if she had to choose she would have to choose me.  I did not want the doctor on call to deliver my baby.

The doctor then asked if I wanted the epidural. I let her know I would need some time to think about it. I called my mom and my sisters for their advice and they all encouraged me to get the epidural. I decided to go forward with the epidural. I remember with my first pregnancy how unbearable the contractions were after they administered the pitocin and I did not want to go through that again if I didn't have to. The anesthesiologist came in around 9 am and as soon as I got the epidural I felt a immediate sense of relief. I was so relaxed, I was still able to feel the stronger contractions but the pain level was very moderate. It was amazing! My sister did my make up and I took a nap. The doctor came in and checked my cervix around 10:30 and I was now at 6 cm. She felt it was necessary to increase the pitocin as things weren't progressing fast enough. She told me the other ladies in labor were all at 10cm and were just waiting for their cerivix to finish thinning out... This worried me as I thought for sure they would beat me and I would end up delivering with the doctor on call.

It was now 11 am and I was now unable to feel my legs because of the epidural. It was scary and uncomfortable because I felt the need to move around.  At around 11:30am I felt a gush and a tremendous amount of pressure in my lower back, I thought my water had broken. John called the nurse and when the doctor came in to check I was ready to push!  They rushed us to the delivery room. I let the doctor know I felt like pushing, she asked me to push and then asked me to stop. My membrane was still intact and the doctor would have to rupture it so the baby can push through. When I got the next contraction I was asked to push and the doctor broke my water. I didn't feel anything... The next contraction came, I pushed and John Lucas' head was out Another push and his torso was out. My final contraction came. I pushed one last time and  John Lucas was finally here!

Everything happened so fast! John Lucas was born May 23, 2016 at 11:54 am. I felt relieved and felt a rush of emotions. They placed him on my chest and he latched on for the very first time. It was magical. John and I stayed in the delivery room for an hour bonding with our baby boy before the nurses took him to weigh and measure.

My sisters came later in the day and Juliet was finally able to meet her little brother. It was spectacular. Juliet looked at her brother in awe and sniffed his head. She kissed his forehead and we gave her a gift that her brother bought for her. I can't begin to put to words the feeling I had when we were all together for the first time. I felt overwhelmingly happy, complete, and amazed at how far life has taken us. 

We are so grateful the delivery went so smoothly and thank God John Lucas is healthy and thriving. Our family is finally complete and we could not be happier! 

XO,

Iris 

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