Mommies in Spanglish

Oeuf Sparrow Crib: I love how contemporary this crib looks. it has clean lines, perfect for any nursery theme! I also love how all finishes are non-toxic and with three adjustable mattress heights and a toddler bed conversion kit the Sparrow can be used for years as it grows with your child.
Lorena Canals Washable Rug: these rugs are amazing, not just for your nursery but any room in your home. I love how they are 100% cotton and can you believe...they are washable! This rug is the perfect touch to give your nursery personality.
Stokke Scoot V2 Stroller: this stroller is just a chic and versatile piece of equipment. I truly love all Stokke has to offer in terms of strollers and know I can rely on them to last.
Nuna LEAF Series Toy Bar: I love the simplicity of this bouncer. And since a newborn's eyesight takes a bit to develop, the addition of the attached toys make for some great entertainment for the baby.
Stokke Tripp Trapp: this high chair is just an easy and functional piece for years to come. A great piece for a stylish home, as well as, a functional chair for your young one.
Ergobaby Four Position 360 Carrier: I truly love this carrier, most importantly for it's functionality. I love the different ways you are able to carry your baby: Front-Inward, Front-Outward, Hip and Back carry positions. It's also one great piece for daddy to wear baby, I know J will getting a lot of use out of this!

Little Unicorn Marindale Backpack Diaper Bag: I love this option as a diaper bag. Being that I will be having a little boy and we all know how energetic they can be, I thought this bag would be great for on the go!
Little Unicorn Cotton Classic Bib 3 Pack - Indie Elephant : I am so in love with these bibs, they are the softest bibs I have encountered! I know these will be great for our baby and an easy option to wash without worrying that you will damage them in the wash. The pattern is a plus too!
The Honest Company Diapers - Geo Tribal: The Honest diapers are just so darn cute, I couldn't help adding these to the registry!
Mary Meyer FabFuzz - Giraffe: I wanted to add a little friend for our baby to bond with and thought this plush little giraffe was a great option for him.
Little Unicorn Cotton Muslin 3-Pack - Bison: when I first saw these muslin swaddlers, I was obsessed! I love them not only for how soft they are but they are a great pattern to match with our baby's nursery theme.
Tea Collection Origami Wrap Romper - Shale - 2016 Fall & Tea Collection Aki Hoodie Romper - Rain - 2016 Fall: of course, adding some outfits is a must and these two options are just the cutest. I absolutely love onesies on babies!
Covered Goods Multi-Use Nursing Cover - Grid: last but not least, I love these Covered Goods Nursing covers, they are truly multi use! I love that you can use it for nursing, but also as a scarf, an infant car seat cover and a cart protector!

The first week home with John Lucas (JL)was blissful. I was so proud of what my body had accomplished. Obsessed with my son and my beautiful family. I was on cloud nine, things could not get any better. John Lucas was sleeping 4 to 5 hours through the night. I didn't have issues with breast feeding this time around, John Lucas was nursing like a champ and Juliet (JR) seemed to be adjusting well to her brother. But that blissful feeling didn't last long.  On the third day home with JL I had a nightmare, a terrible vivid nightmare of JR drowning in a pool because I was busy tending to JL.  That was the beginning of everything... I woke up in panic. The dream was so vivid and real, I woke up feeling like I failed my daughter. I told my husband about it, talking about it made me cry and we were both sure it was just a reflection of my fears as a new mommy of two. 

The following week my husband went back to work  and I totally crashed. After a few days I started to feel a sense of doom when his alarm went off. I didn't want to be alone and the nightmares kept coming back. Every time John Lucas and Juliet cried at the same time I felt terrible, especially for Juliet. How could I have done this to her. She didn't ask for a sibling and all of the attention was now shifting away from her. How unfair. Then I felt bad for not being able to pay enough attention to John Lucas. Then I felt bad for feeling bad. How could I be sad when I have longed to be a mother for so long. This is what I wanted. It was a back and forth struggle in my mind. I felt torn because I couldn't devote my full attention to one child. Every task was interrupted mid way to tend to the other. Juliet would pull at her brother whenever I nursed and whine if I wasn't paying enough attention to her. I felt hopeless, I couldn't parent either one of my babies the way that I should be. On top of that my house was a mess, laundry was piling up and I couldn't catch a break to shower or even use the restroom. My mind would race with all of the things that needed to be done that I couldn't do and I started to feel anxious and angry. Most of the anger was aimed towards my poor husband. It was rough, I kept blaming hormones for my feelings and told myself it will get better.  It didn't.  

After three weeks I started to beg my husband to call in sick or  come home early. I would text him during the day with my complaints and  thoughts of the day. There were some good days here and there but even when I had good days deep down I was still sad. I don't know why but I was and I still feel this way at times. I think I stressed my husband out so much he ended up taking two more weeks of paternity leave, which he is still currently on. It has been like a blessing sent down from heaven because I am starting to feel better.  I find that most of the self loathing and sadness come on when I am alone and I don't know why. I have no reason to be sad. I have a wonderful support system and have every reason to be happy. I keep hoping it's baby blues that I'm dealing with but the feeling has been lingering for weeks now and am unsure if this can be classified as postpartum depression. I am afraid that the darker feelings will come back when John returns to work. I have an appointment with my OB next week and will be discussing this with her. Hoping she can provide me with some resources that can help. 

I would love feedback from anyone that has felt this way before. What helped you feel better in a situation such as this one?