I've been on the fence about publishing this post because there really is no easy way to say this but motherhood has been kicking my butt lately. I've gotten to a place of guilt and sadness and am still trying to figure out how to get over it.
The first week home with John Lucas (JL)was blissful. I was so proud of what my body had accomplished. Obsessed with my son and my beautiful family. I was on cloud nine, things could not get any better. John Lucas was sleeping 4 to 5 hours through the night. I didn't have issues with breast feeding this time around, John Lucas was nursing like a champ and Juliet (JR) seemed to be adjusting well to her brother. But that blissful feeling didn't last long. On the third day home with JL I had a nightmare, a terrible vivid nightmare of JR drowning in a pool because I was busy tending to JL. That was the beginning of everything... I woke up in panic. The dream was so vivid and real, I woke up feeling like I failed my daughter. I told my husband about it, talking about it made me cry and we were both sure it was just a reflection of my fears as a new mommy of two.
The following week my husband went back to work and I totally crashed. After a few days I started to feel a sense of doom when his alarm went off. I didn't want to be alone and the nightmares kept coming back. Every time John Lucas and Juliet cried at the same time I felt terrible, especially for Juliet. How could I have done this to her. She didn't ask for a sibling and all of the attention was now shifting away from her. How unfair. Then I felt bad for not being able to pay enough attention to John Lucas. Then I felt bad for feeling bad. How could I be sad when I have longed to be a mother for so long. This is what I wanted. It was a back and forth struggle in my mind. I felt torn because I couldn't devote my full attention to one child. Every task was interrupted mid way to tend to the other. Juliet would pull at her brother whenever I nursed and whine if I wasn't paying enough attention to her. I felt hopeless, I couldn't parent either one of my babies the way that I should be. On top of that my house was a mess, laundry was piling up and I couldn't catch a break to shower or even use the restroom. My mind would race with all of the things that needed to be done that I couldn't do and I started to feel anxious and angry. Most of the anger was aimed towards my poor husband. It was rough, I kept blaming hormones for my feelings and told myself it will get better. It didn't.
After three weeks I started to beg my husband to call in sick or come home early. I would text him during the day with my complaints and thoughts of the day. There were some good days here and there but even when I had good days deep down I was still sad. I don't know why but I was and I still feel this way at times. I think I stressed my husband out so much he ended up taking two more weeks of paternity leave, which he is still currently on. It has been like a blessing sent down from heaven because I am starting to feel better. I find that most of the self loathing and sadness come on when I am alone and I don't know why. I have no reason to be sad. I have a wonderful support system and have every reason to be happy. I keep hoping it's baby blues that I'm dealing with but the feeling has been lingering for weeks now and am unsure if this can be classified as postpartum depression. I am afraid that the darker feelings will come back when John returns to work. I have an appointment with my OB next week and will be discussing this with her. Hoping she can provide me with some resources that can help.
I would love feedback from anyone that has felt this way before. What helped you feel better in a situation such as this one?